Healthy Shit! (Yummy Summer Drink Edition)

Many people like yummy, sugary beverages served with their food, from smoothies to shakes. But few realize that these beverages are loaded with (usually) hundreds of calories...and that's on top of the calories in their food! This isn't even taking into account the amount of sugar in these drinks, which is, for the record, at an OH SHIT! level. Here's a yummy summer drink that you can serve to guests, and they won't want to hurl knives at you for "trynna make them all healthy 'n' shit"* because, well, they won't know! Muahaha.

I can haz...

• 3 parts sugar-free Limeade (I use Minute Maid - that's the best option)
• 2 parts lime seltzer water
• 2 parts Sprite Zero/Diet Sierra Mist
• However much lime juice you want...but you can err on the side of more. It'll add a necessary kick.
• (If you want to go a little crazy, add a splash of light rum. If your tastebuds squint, it's like a mojito!)

What to do...

• If you want to serve this to guests, make a pitcher's worth, and make sure there's plenty of ice in the pitcher to start.
• Sit back in the sun and smile because you're not ingesting a universe of calories.

*I have never had angry, obese Appalachian lunch or dinner guests, but I suppose this would be their reaction.

Low-Carb-a-Palooza

The Atkins diet is all but gone from American pop culture, and in part it makes sense. Surely mountains of egg yolks, bacon, and full-fat cheese do not a healthy heart make. Then again, studies have proven time and time again that refined carbs (white bread, potatoes, artificial sugars) break down and become fat - no one's friend. Non-refined carbs fulfill their own nutritional purpose, to be sure, but it's still important for a balanced diet not to rely too much on cholesterol, but not too much on unrefined carbs either.

I love spicy food. I decided to make a take-off of a popular Mexican item, tacos (ever heard of 'em?)...but without tortilla shells. The recipe below might make me sound like a fatass (wrapping meat around veggies), but it tastes pretty damn good and will fill you up much better than that bag of chips (nom nom nom).

You'll need (keep in mind I am nowhere near a professional chef!)...

• Equal amounts mushrooms and onions (however many you want!)
• Circular slices of low-fat turkey or low-fat pastrami (for folding)
• SPICES! How many/how much of them you want are due to personal preference, but some ideas to make it close to "taco" flavored are Morton's Hot Salt, Slap Ya' Mama, various cajun spices, various Mexican spices, chili powder
• Olive oil, for sauteeing (extra kick with spicy olive oil!)

What you gonna do with all this junk, all this junk inside your kitchen?

• Dice mushrooms and onions. The smaller they are, the more surface area they have to soak up yummy spices. Also, the onions get to cook more, making it less likely you'll stink. :)
• Sautee these bad boys. Make sure you mix up the mushrooms and onions together. There should be an equal amount of each. (Feel free to add diced peppers, too! But it's fine without them.)
• Once they are nicely browned, congrats. You have your "taco filling." Your meaty "taco shells" are probably from a package. Those don't need preparation, but if you want to jazz them up, you can heat them on a separate skillet or even grill them.
• Now you have both parts and are ready to eat! I don't think I need to write about how to eat tacos. If you want to reduce some of the heat (both temp. and spiciness), put some lettuce in each "taco."
• Enjoy! :)

Easy-To-Make Drink: Green Fabulosity

If you like "bitch drinks," or anything sweet, really, you'll like this simple recipe!

2 parts strawberry vodka (Smirnoff and Stoli are fine)

5 parts sweet/sour mix

3 parts Sprite/Sierra Mist

2-3 parts "appletini" mix (many varieties)

Shake, and strain into a highball glass over ice. Tastes like happiness.